Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
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Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.