GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
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me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.