Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
You Might Also Like
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
This is a sub tweet
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
scrabbled eggs
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready