Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
AM I BEING GASLIT????
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.