We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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