Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
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We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.