Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.