(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
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[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?