Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
You Might Also Like
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.