I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
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[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I’m going to need a moment here.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Truth
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.