Optional boss fight.
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
What even happened today?
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
somebody come look at this
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?