COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

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Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking


I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.


This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.


The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.


[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school


The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.


If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.


I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!


Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”


When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.