COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You Might Also Like
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
War & Peace
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.