@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

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@eleniZarro

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

@CYComedy

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

@HomeProbably

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

@GrantTanaka

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

@LostFelicia

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

@KalvinMacleod

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

@clemdytan

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

@Samiam556

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

@Tmoney68

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.