@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

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@wildethingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

@Reverend_Scott

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.

@_elvishpresley_

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

@mean_spice

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

@mdob11

A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.

@imdaintyaf

When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!