“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
lol
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.