“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”![]()
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
that lip filler tho
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
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My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”