My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.
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You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-