My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
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The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I was bored.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Stop sending me this shit.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys