@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

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@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@carlyken

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

@AubriePesky

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

@StorvLovesYou

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

@SexySpainNights

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@robfee

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

@DaddyJew

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

@zbinski

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.