fourth time’s the charm
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what