When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
You Might Also Like
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.