Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
You wish you had this many chins.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff