Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
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You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.