Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
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Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them