Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
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the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.