Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.