where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
You Might Also Like
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already