These fireworks are awesome! High four!
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Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
relationship goals
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.