Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask