The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …