[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
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[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I just ran a .003048K
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.