My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
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My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Stonehinge
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.