Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
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We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Extremely relatable.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.