There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”