If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Y’all know who you are.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.