[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
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it’s the silliest best thing
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
(by @ZachWeiner )
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free