What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
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That’s no pocket rocket.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Hot Hot Hot
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass