Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
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Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration