Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.