I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
What’s this sorcery? 😂
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist