she has a point
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“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
and this one
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.