Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
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[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
next question.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
That 👊
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Chicken bread
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit