Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
You Might Also Like
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened