Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Found the job I’m suited for
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!