I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no