Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You Might Also Like
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Ain’t no way
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
this could fix me
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.