I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
❤️❤️❤️
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
They must have gotten it to go.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
huge if true: the moon
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.