My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
concern
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.