FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…