If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
You Might Also Like
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
This was a bad idea all around
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas