Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
crochet youtube is brutal
😂😂
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off