I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
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FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
When you let grandma cat sit
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.