Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
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servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.