I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
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It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane