Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.